How are you doing today Cleveland fans? Are you feeling good? I'm feeling good, and here's why: the Cleveland Browns are going to kick ass this season. That's right, we're done being a doormat. Rob Chudzinski is going to bring a real offense into town for the first time since he turned Derek Anderson into a pro-bowler. Brandon Weeden is going to be chucking bombs to Greg Little, Travis Benjamin, and even Josh Gordon once he returns from suspension. After receiving a wake-up call this offseason, Gordon will put that momentary lapse behind him for the rest of his hall-of-fame career. Even Jordan Cameron gets in on the act under the guidance of Chud, making everyone wonder why so many teams passed on such a talent and let him slip to the Browns. Sure, there will be interceptions, but that's the price you pay for letting loose and slinging the ball around in a legitimate 21st century offense. Of course, if we need to we can turn the clock back to 1964 and let a healthy Trent Richardson steamroll defenses on his way to 2,000 yards and his first All-Pro selection. It helps that the offensive line will feature two All-Pros in Alex Mack and Joesus himself. Even Shawn Lauvao figures out who to block this year and makes defensive linemen wet their pants at the mere thought of opposing him. The offense sets team records in every important category on their way to becoming the most unstoppable force in the NFL.
If the offense is the unstoppable force, the defense is the immovable object. Ray Horton has come in to turn the defense into a well-oiled machine. Players fly around the field faster than opposing quarterbacks can keep up. Joe Haden will set a career high in Interceptions and punch himself a ticket for Hawaii. TJ Ward will cause several wide receivers to mysteriously come down with a case of the flu right before game time. Of course, the anchor of the defense is the front seven. The six man rotation of linemen anchored by Phil Taylor and Ahtyba Rubin mercilessly bulldozes opposing lines. By week six teams have essentially given up on running the ball. Not that passing is much easier. Between Paul Kruger, Jabaal Sheard, and Keke Mingo, the Browns set an NFL record for sacks and forced fumbles. The trainers run out of ice for the visiting team's locker room after games. Between the crushing hits and the turnovers, most teams are willing to concede by the end of the first half.
This is the year we turn this around. The Ravens are stripped of their talent. Between their lack of playmakers, porous offensive line, and terrible secondary, the Steelers are a mess. The Bengals regress to being the Bengals, and no matter how good AJ Green is he can't keep covering up Andy Dalton's mistakes. This year the Browns run away with the AFC North and take home field advantage in the playoffs, setting the stage for some snowy January heroics. This is the year the Cleveland Browns hoist the Lombardi Trophy, and we will let everyone know they should have named it after a different coach, just like we named this team after him. This is the year the Cleveland Browns start their dynasty.