"Obviously that was a stinker of a game, and one we really couldn't afford to lose before running into an angry Ravens squad with something to prove. I think that the players here put in a reasonable effort, but we did not execute any part of the game particularly well, outside of the front seven and pass rush. There were points in the game where we started to get something going, but followed that up by doing something ridiculous and shooting ourselves in the foot.
The Cleveland Browns have not been able to stop the run consistently since they returned to the league in 1999, but we did that today! You should be pretty pumped about that, because it's going to be much harder to do against a team with a legitimate running attack. With Dallas Clark and Ed Dickson having alternating derp-offs in Baltimore every time Flacco throws them the ball late and over the middle, it's a strong bet that we'll see a lot of Ray Rice next week. Hope the defense is up to the job.
I truly believed that we had started something going into the first half, and the TD strike to Jordan Cameron was a thing of beauty. The wheels completely came off the wagon after that, though, and our offense looked like some horrible nightmare combination of the 3rd preseason game (against the Colts) and every week of the Pat Shurmur era.
Some of the things that were issues were the third downs. Offensively and defensively, they were able to convert almost at will, and we looked like a complete mess. Some of the blame can be placed on the right side of the offensive line, where Mitchell Shwartz and Oneil cousins were being spanked by the relentless Miami rush, but just as frequently Weeden failed to make quick decisions and overthrew wide open receivers. FREQUENTLY we had opportunities that were pissed away by the inability to throw quality strikes at a normal velocity, and by the inability of every receiver besides Devone Bess to catch the ball.'
ON BRANDON WEEDEN'S INTERCEPTIONS
"I think the one to Travis (Benjamin), we had a shot on, but Travis Benjamin weighs less than most of the Dog Pound Ladies and got completely out muscled to the ball, despite having SINGLE COVERAGE. The other one, well, that was different.....that went off of Greg Little's hands. The third one? Something new a totally unexpected happened in that situation......the ball went off of Jordan Cameron's hands...."
ON MIAMI'S PASS RUSH
"They bare-ass spanked the right side of our line all afternoon. Brandon didn't help his cause by holding onto the ball too long, and the receivers didn't help Brandon by failing to separate downfield. Everyone sucked."
ON BROWNS' SECONDARY
"I really had a good feeling through the first two quarters; the pass rush was excellent, and the coverage downfield was relatively tight. The front seven got tired, unfortunately, and Buster Skrine turned back into a pumpkin at halftime."
ON GUARD ONIEL COUSINS
"Oneil Cousins is a [redacted] joke, but i'm stuck with him because his backup essentially was playing advanced high school football last year. Do you even know where Chadron State is located? I could tell you exactly what I think of [redacted] Oneil Cousins, but that isn't going to cause him to play like an actual NFL caliber lineman, is it?"
ON WEEDEN'S PLAY
"If you squint really hard, it looks adequate. I mean, if his receivers manage to catch a few fastballs and the line doesn't have him running for his life every 20 minutes, he probably looks.....acceptable? On the other hand, if you squint really hard, my aunt looks like my uncle. I hope his teeth are still rattling from when I shook the [redacted] out of him for throwing the ball away on our last obsession, on fourth down. Truly special work there."
"We'll address this and get better about it. At least 30 yards of these penalties were attributed to one player (Cousins) that I don't even want to have on the team, so what can you do? I mean, it can't possibly get worse than it was today, right? [audience titters nervously]"
ON TRENT RICHARDSON'S SECOND HALF
"Jesus, I knew there was something I forgot to do in the second half."
ON WHETHER HE WANTED TO THROW MORE IN THE FOURTH QUARTER
"Well, we were getting pistol whipped by the pass rush, and Weeden was running around the backfield like a concussed walrus, and none of wide receivers were capable of gaining separation and holding onto passes.....yes, I wanted to throw as much as possible. Throw up, that is."
ON OT MITCHELL SCHWARTZ'S MATCHUP VS. CAMERON WAKE
"It wasn't just Mitchell. Whether it was chips (chip blocking) or lining a guy up or a tight end helping, it wasn't just Mitchell. We just didn't do a good enough job on Cameron Wake today."
-Editors note: I left this quote in it's original form; doesn't get much more honest than that.