We have stood in line. We've wondered if someone was hacking our machine. We've voted for people we've never heard of, and we've survived another season of mudslinging. It's an election, folks, and it is our civic duty to put in place the individuals who will most successfully lead this nation forward.
I didn't like the candidates, so I nominated my own:
Secretary of State - Phil Savage
-Managed to talk his way into keeping his job with the Browns after the rout with John Collins, talked several top-caliber players into moving their families to a cold, economically-depressed city to play football here. Why not send Phil to talk to Kim Jong-Il? We can at least guarantee a solid diplomatic effort.
Secretary of Defense - Maurice Carthon
-No longer a Brown, but with all those fancy trick plays he's got up his sleeve, maybe he can trick-play/strategize a way out of Iraq. He might have better luck; that team we call the US military happens to know what they're doing on the field a lot more than the brown-and-orange.
Ambassador to The UN - Kellen Winslow
-If John Bolton can say things like losing ten floors of the 38-story UN building "wouldn't make a bit of difference" and managed to earn the job of Ambassador to said building and occupants, Kellen Winslow and his obnoxious mouth can be named Ambassador to anything. Diplomatic immunity for god-knows-what is inevitable.
Governor of Ohio - Randy Lerner
As Governor, Randy could delegate the management responsibilities he wasn't too keen on to anyone he wanted, and be Prime Minister of England. He'll be easy to elect because he's likeable and he's the kind of billionaire you could drink a beer with.