Using my vast mental powers and my crystal football, I was able to look into the future and see the outcome of the Browns' regular season games. YES, THERE ARE SPOILERS, so if you really want to wait to watch the game next season and be surprised, you probably shouldn't read this. Keep in mind that because I'm a Browns fan, some of my mental powers may be willing to exaggerate themselves in favor of a certain Brown & Orange:
Sunday, September 10 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
New Orleans' coach and one of Parcells' boys, Sean Payton, gets his ass kicked by a bunch of teenagers outside Terminal Tower who think it's cool to beat up on junior-high-schoolers and has to miss the game. The Browns feel bad about it, plus everything else the team's been through, so we lend them back LeCharles Bentley for the day, but it's not enough. Browns win, 35-10.
Sunday, September 17 @ Cincinnati Bengals
Carson's back and is he PISSED. Looking to seek justice on the Football-God who let it happen, Palmer goes on the air-warpath against the Browns. Nothing personal. Browns lose, 78-34.
Sunday, September 24 BALTIMORE RAVENS
To hell with Ray Lewis. No, it is not even a consideration. Browns win, period, 50-0.
Sunday, October 1 @ Oakland Raiders
Oakland's done little to significantly improve their situation in the off-season so far. Not that Randy Moss is finished, but I just don't see it out of this team. The Raiders will simply be outgunned by Cleveland. Browns win, 28-7.
Sunday, October 8 @ Carolina Panthers
We have a better team this year, we will play better against the Panthers, but not enough to beat them. The Browns are treated to a show by the Panthers' cheerleaders and lose focus. Panthers win, 35-14.
Sunday, October 15 Bye Week
Kellen Winslow, also a skilled equestrian, takes an overhead dump off a Thoroughbred during a three-day riding event in the Metroparks, landing knee-first, season over. Several Browns fans, many having thought they'd seen it all, drink themselves to death overnight.
Sunday, October 22 DENVER BRONCOS
This battle will be fought in the trenches; Browns' O-line vs. Browns' D-line. Jake Plummer gets busted by Cleveland Police with a joint at the House of Blues after the Gorillaz concert and has to miss the game, but it doesn't matter. Browns win in OT, 28-27.
Sunday, October 29 NEW YORK JETS
The Football-Gods have not been friendly to the Jets. Plenty of changes don't necessarily mean stability. The Browns are in a much more advanced stage of re-building and though it isn't particularly easy, they pull off a win. Lots of field goals. Browns win, 19-9.
Sunday, November 5 @ San Diego Chargers
Every team has to have one of those games at least once every season where everything that can go wrong DOES. Let's give that one to the Chargers. Even with Drew Brees gone, there's enough solid talent the Browns look to simply be outplayed. Browns lose, 21-10.
Sunday, November 12 @ Atlanta Falcons
It's always a party in Atlanta, but even with a hangover, the Browns' defense shuts down the consistently inconsistent Michael Vick. Browns win, 17-10.
Sunday, November 19 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Why do we have to play them in two games so bloody close together? The Football-Gods think this is funny. The Super Bowl Champions (!)-oh, I can't do this. Browns win, move on.
Sunday, November 26 CINCINNATI BENGALS
Carson Palmer exacts revenge on the Football-Gods and whips the Browns like he's whipped every other team this season. Fans get arrested throwing rolls of duct tape at Chad Johnson when he enters the field; around the NFL, everyone else is grateful. Browns lose, 33-27.
Sunday, December 3 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Willie McGinest sacks Trent Green fifteen times for an NFL all-time game record. Hundreds of Browns fans are arrested repeated the move on each other in celebration on Cleveland streets. Everybody has that generally content "I-got-laid" feeling for a week. Browns win, 19-7.
Thursday, December 7 @ Pittsburgh Steelers
No. I'm not ready. I can't go there. Not yet. Browns win.
Sunday, December 17 @ Baltimore Ravens
AH! Ray Lewis gets his foot run over by a Chevy Impala painted orange with a brown and white stripe down the middle the night prior and has to miss the game. Browns win, 50-0.
Sunday, December 24 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
By this time next season, Tampa Bay is a powerhouse, but so are the Cleveland Browns. This is the game that will get flex-scheduled to Sunday night. Browns win in a gladiator match, 21-20.
Sunday, December 31 @ Houston Texans
Bush has had a rough season in Houston, Reggie and W. For W, the ship keeps sinking, but by the end of the season, the Houston Texans have come together and come on strong. They pull a fast one on the Browns, still a little punch-drunk on the big win against Tampa on Christmas Eve. Browns lose, 21-14.