clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

AFC North - Adversarial System

Jealousy. Drafting the AFC North.

Epitomy of jealousy.  John Conner, Bengals rather than Browns.
Epitomy of jealousy. John Conner, Bengals rather than Browns.


Lets explore the necessity of lesser human emotions, as it pertains to a full spectrum experience of life. Today. Jealousy. An oft overlooked aspect of our daily encounters with our adversaries in the AFC North, jealousy usually portends to the grass being greener on the other side. Of course you would never stoop so low, as to want to be drooling from the jowls glory addict Steeler, or a Bengal, salivating for just one more win, or being a Raven outpatient from the Disney ward, frothing from the mouth not to lose, lets be honest. Even as well balanced, non slobbering game loving, Browns, we clamor for players, that had the misfortune for being propositioned by our rivals. We all writhe inside, when genuine Allstars line up on the other side of that line of scrimmage. I´m not going to become Jordan Gecko, and proclaim, jealousy is right. But, jealousy will keep you warm, when the north wind, threatens to freeze that frown onto your face. It is a feeling best endured, rather than hypocritically evaded. It´s in the self motivational category and serves to draw the natural line, that keeps us safe and properly cautious, towards the cretins, that inhabit the lower strata of our Division. Mooncamping understands that acidic feeling, that keeps your pride intact, wearing the Browns merchandise and paraphanalia, and helps maintain your sanity, into February. Thus, I proudly introduce: Drafting the AFC North.

All NFL teams have 90 prospects in training camp. I´m going to look at their depth charts at this time. First on the depth chart, is the prognosticated 22 starters. Cool. Second on the depth chart, is the 22 aspirants for each position. Third on the depth chart, are 22 more players, yet long shots, to make the 56 man roster. I will risk making that cut. Ten players from third string will not make it.

So, here we go:

Drafting the Pittsburgh Steelers.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger; Bruce Gradkowski; Landry Jones;

FB: David Johnson; Will Johnson; Curtis McNeal;

RB: Jonathan Dwyer; LeVeon Bell; Isaac Redman;

TE: Heath Miller; Matt Spaeth; David Paulson;

LWR: Emmanuel Sanders; Markus Wheaton; Plaxico Burress;

RWR: Antonio Brown; Jerricho Cotchery; Justin Brown;

LT: Mike Adams; Kelvin Beachum; Mike Farrell;

LG: Ramon Foster; John Malecki; Mike Golic;

C: Maurkice Pouncey; Joe Madsen; Chris Hubbard;

RG: David DeCastro; Justin Cheadle; Nik Embernate;

RT: Marcus Gilbert; Guy Whimper; Joe Long;


LDE: Ziggy Hood; Al Woods; Cordian Hagans;

NT: Steve McLendon; Alameda Ta´amu; Loni Fangupo;

RDE: Brett Keisel; Cameron Heyward; Nicholas Williams;

LOLB: Lamarr Woodley; Chris Carter; Adrian Robinson;

LILB: Larry Foote; Vince Williams; Sean Spence;

RILB: Lawrence Timmons; Stevenson Sylvester; Marshall McFadden;

ROLB: Jason Worilds; Jarvis Jones; Terence Garvin;

LCB: Cortez Allen; William Gay; De Marcus VanDyke;

RCB: Ike Taylor; Curtis Brown; Terry Hawthorne;

FS: Ryan Clark; Robert Golden; Isaiah Green;

SS: Troy Polamalu; Shamarko Thomas; Damon Cromartie-Smith;

Now, I will call ten sad sobs into Mike Tomlin´s office, who will regret to inform them, that they will be living off welfare for the rest of the year. He will put out scraps in the drive way, it´s the trash can, designated "free money":

Landry Jones; Isaac Redman; Justin Brown; Chris Hubbard; Joe Long; Nicholas Williams; Adrian Robinson; Terence Garvin; Isaiah Green; Damon Cromartie-Smith;

This is the Browns AFC North Draft. Hang tight.

Drafting the Cincinnati Bengals.

QB: Andy Dalton; Josh Johnson; John Skelton;

FB: Chris Pressley; John Conner; Rex Burkhead;

RB: Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis; Giovani Bernard; Bernard Scott;

TE: Jermaine Gresham; Tyler Eifert; Alex Smith;

LWR: Mohamed Sanu; Marvin Jones; Brandon Tate;

RWR: A.J. Green; Andrew Hawkins; Cobi Hamilton;

LT: Andrew Whitworth; Dennis Roland; Tanner Hawkinson;

LG: Travelle Wharton; Clint Boling; John Sullen;

C: Trevor Robinson; Kyle Cook; T.J. Johnson;

RG: Kevin Zeitler; Mike Pollak; Clark Harris;

RT: Andre Smith; Anthony Collins; Reid Fragel;


LDE: Carlos Dunlap; Margus Hunt; Wallace Gilberry;

NT: Domata Peko; Brandon Thompson; Larry Black;

RDT: Geno Atkins; Devon Still; Terrence Stephens;

RDE: Michael Johnson; Robert Geathers; Dontay Moch;

SLB: James Harrison; Aaron Maybin; Brandon Joiner;

MLB: Rey Maualuga; J.K. Schaffer; Jordan Campbell;

WLB: Vontaze Burfict; Sean Porter; Rey Vincent;

LCB: Terence Newman; Dre Kirkpatrick; Onterio McCalebb;

RCB: Leon Hall; Pacman Jones; Brandon Ghee;

FS: Reggie Nelson; George Iloka; Shaun Prater;

SS: Taylor Mays; Shawn Williams; Jeromy Miles;

Marvin Lewis decided not to go through the painful segregation tactic, choosing to maintain his secret identity of Marvin Lewis, delegating this tradition to an assistant. The Bengals consequently rioted. Don´t worry, they were captured, and will be expatriated from Ohio. They will be featured in next month´s edition of America´s Most Wanted:

Bernard Scott; Alex Smith; Brandon Tate; Tanner Hawkinson; T.J. Johnson; Clark Harris; Reid Fragel; Wallace Gilberry; Terrence Stephens;

Thank you for your patience. One more.

Drafting the Baltimore Ravens:

QB: Joe Flacco; Tyrod Taylor; Caleb Hanie;

FB: Kyle Juszczyk; Anthony Allen; Damien Berry;

RB: Ray Rice; Bernard Pierce; Bobby Rainey;

TE: Dennis Pitta; Ed Dickson; Alex Silvestro;

LWR: Torrey Smith; David Reed; Tommy Streeter;

RWR: Jacoby Jones; Tandon Doss; Deonte Johnson;

LT: Bryant McKinnie; David Mims; Jordan Devey;

LG: Kelechi Osemele; Ramon Harewood; Reggie Stephens;

C: Gino Gradkowski; Ryan Jensen; A.Q. Shipley;

RG: Marshal Yanda; Ricky Wagner; Antoine McClain;

RT: Michael Oher; Jah Reid; Jack Cornell;


LDE: Chris Canty; Arthur Jones; Kapron Lewis-Moore;

NT: Terrence Cody; Brandon Williams; Cody Larsen;

RDE: Haloti Ngata; Marcus Spears; Tyson DeAngelo;

LOLB: Terrell Suggs; Pernell McPhee; John Simon;

LILB: Jameel McClain; Albert McClellan; Nigel Carr;

RILB: Arthur Brown; Josh Bynes; Bryan Hall;

ROLB: Elvis Dumervil; Courtney Upshaw; Spencer Adkins;

LCB: Ladarius Webb; Chykie Brown; Asa Jackson;

RCB: Corey Graham; Jimmy Smith; Chris Johnson;

FS: Michael Huff; Omar Brown; Anthony Levine;

SS: Matt Elam; James Ighedigbo; Christian Thompson;

The Ravens to be cut, could be fooled into thinking they were led to a vaccation. Occasionally you can see them aimlessly wandering around Universal Studios. Please abstain from informing them about their fate, insurance doesn´t cover the effects of cruelty to people, that are tripping.

Caleb Hanie; Deonte Johnson; Antoine McClain; Tyson DeAngelo; Nigel Carr; Bryan Hall; Spencer Adkins; Asa Jackson; Chris Johnson; Anthony Levine;

So, on to the extravaganza, the Browns draft the AFC North:

Round 1. WR Tandon Doss, Indiana Hoosiers, Baltimore Ravens:

Tandon Doss 2012-13 Ravens Highlights(no music) (via mostvaluableravensfan)

Round 2. OLB Sean Spence, Miami Hurricanes, Pittsburgh Steelers:

Sean Spence Miami Hurricanes Highlights (via canefreak2001)

Round 3. CB Terry Hawthorne, Illionois Fighting Illini, Pittsburgh Steelers:

One-On-One - Terry Hawthorne (via IlliniProductionsHD)

Round 4: FB John Conner, Kentucky Wildcats, Cincinnati Bengals.

Chavous Breaks Down Conner (via jetsfancom)

Round 5. FS George Iloka, Boise State Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals.

No. 8 FS-SS George Iloka Boise State vs UGA 2011 (via mathew40)

Round 6. TB Rex Burkhead, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Cincinnati Bengals.

rex Burkhead 2012 Highlights HD (via NiNjA14boom)

Round 7. WR Cobi Hamilton, Arkansas Razorbacks, Cincinnati Bengals.

Cobi Hamilton Arkansas Highlights (via Tyler Gilbert)