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Bernie Kosar´s Cue Card by Mooncamping

Bernie Kosar, who got rattled by a media blind site hit of Titanian and Ramlike proportions last week, will be back in the Spit Pitt of Cleveland Color Commentary, quarterbacking our perceptions, at FirstEnergy Stadium, again Thursday, against the Detroit Lions. Time for some On the Air Supply, of quips on the Lions´ blue chips, from the irrefutable logical realm of Mooncamping. Here is a Cue Card.

Kaptain Kosar talks to Shurmur the Murmur
Kaptain Kosar talks to Shurmur the Murmur
David Richard-USA TODAY Sports


Lets start at the top.


William Clay Ford Sr..  The owner, formerly the 373rd richest man in the world, according to Forbes, unlike his father Edsel, does not have a best selling car to his name.  And unlike his Grand Father, he did not invent something like automation for the auto nation.  Non the less he is the principal share holder, of not only the Detroit Lions, but also Ford Motor Company.  Detroit City just went bankrupt a few weeks ago, so lets hope we don´t forfeit the game, due to like, debts of the non monetary sort, you know, world beater topics, exceeding the understanding of poor people, or something, or whatever these illuminati, Bilderberg, Country Club, Poison Ivy Salon people do.  The guy is also positively ancient, like 88, so maybe Bernie, comment on keeping it, you know, like unexciting, or something.  Challenge.  Find a way to work in the word "Bingo Mingo"


Tom Lewand.  No, not actually the Spat Cat´s new magic wand to freeze frame funny faces onto the Lion´s prey at the ideal moment of socialistic capitalist Horrorism.  Or the new gulf club from the Hairy Putter series.  But, actually a very serious Front Office Executive.  The Lions President spelled Matt Millen in 2008, following the famous 0-16 season.  He´s implemented a blue collarish, financial frugality plan, to keep the inexplicably talented roster, in check.  Following the 2011 season, when they surged to 10-6 on the back of Calvin Johnson and the arm of Matthew Stafford, he managed to not replace a single player of that 22 man roster. Rating every acquisition as a surplus to this perfect alignment versus the cap.  As if it was an investment portfolio, and he´s, well you know.  Grinchgutts Banking, or something.  He went through more Defensive Backs, than a Canadian bordello, in trying to complete this All Star cast.  Which most Detroit medialists were absolutely convinced, would cruise to the Super Bowl, with a few choice, high prized and priced additions.  Not!  that had to be the weakest free agency and draft in recent history.  Except for a sh** load of amortizable talent.  And subtractions.  Lets not mention, the disciplinary actions on the young hot shot Titus Young, for lining up in the wrong spot.  Or, the novelty one year, entirely voluntary, application of the honorable franchise tag to the unruly Cliff Avril, for one year!  In short, he runs a ship as tight as bullocks.  Or knot work in a rug.  Or atomic particles.  Psyche!  Pulling your leg, for the sake of Bernie Kosar´s observatory.  Actually a nice guy.  With a serious job.  Like ending the Cold War.  Or scolding William Ford Junior.  Why are you writing so much about him?  Bernie.  Make a clever comment about words can not match the amount of legal paragraphs in the CBA, or you know, law books, explored by his players with like an LED diode, and a magnifying glass, under a tarp, in bed, each night.  You have to be short sighted to miss all the fine print.  Extra credit.  thread in the exclamation "Bonanza!".


Martin Mayhew.  What´s the color of money.  If you ask Martin Mayhew, it´s Honolulu Blue.  The GM of the Detroit Lions is a former NFL CB, and founding member of the Midgetball League.  He played at 5 foot 8 and 172 lbs., and actually won a Super Bowl with the Washington Redskins in 1992.  He´s slightly over qualified, sporting a doctorate in law.  Considering all Detroit football players have Workman´s compensation, he probably needs the degree.  He has made, finding the perfect compliment to CB Chris Houston his obsession and personal or professional calling.  One year, it bore the name Bill Bentley, and this year it´s Darius Slay.  Bernie, say something bad about Louis Delmas, it´s worse than Ouija Board, or that movie, where red is a bad color, or the Grudge or the Ring, or questioning Tom Lewand from like a computer, with location services turned off.  Free points.  Laugh about midgets.

Jim Schwartz.  The next to last surviving member of the infamous class of 2009, the Evil Eleven.  Only Rex Ryan remains, seeing as Jim Schwartz outlasted, Eric Mangini and the Browns, Jim Caldwell and the Colts, Josh McDaniels and the Broncos, Todd Haley and the Chiefs, Tom Cable and the Raiders, Raheem Morris and the Bucs, Steve Spagnuolo and the Rams, Mike Singletary and the 49ers, Vladimir Putin and the KGB.  Just checking.  I think his staying power may be derived from a singular event.  "The Handshake".  We still don´t know, exactly what conspired that fateful night.  But, it went like this.  On October 16th, 2011, at Ford Field Detroit, the 49ers beat the Lions 25-19.  The two Jims ran toward each other, like coaches do, meeting at mid field, for a quick exchange of pleasantries or conceding defeat.  Jim Harbaugh came in clasped Jim Schwartz´s hand like a wood chucker, whispered something in his ear, and in a reverse Heimlich maneuver move, slapped him on the back so hard, had he had a pacemaker, the kinetic energy would last him, until tomorrow.  Then he ran off.  Jim Schwartz, gets a sudden look of realization on his face, like they just swiped his inheritance, and then loses it.  He runs after Harbaugh, who is headed for the tunnel, like a maniac, you know encompassed by a primitive rage, and begins yelling at him.  They have to be separated.  Like at birth.  You know, forces of the Jedi lords colliding.  Otherwise, he´s a mild mannered congenial feller.  He´s cereberal, a good friend and mentor and a fiery competitor.  They like to photograph him clenching the Schwartz fist, when they win.  Bernie, talk about Schwartz humor and Anger Management.  Call the Lions huddle, a group hug.  Mention:  "Commies.  Now integrated"


Scott Linehan.  Born in a place, called Sunnyside, Washington.  Played for the Idaho Vandals.  Their campus is in Moscow!  Got promoted to Lions OC from Rams HC..."There is no I in team.  But there is in Idaho Vandals."


Gunther Cunningham.  Bernie, confuse him with Randall, and wonder about how he likes the Vikings.  Act confused.  Dramatic pause..."Oh, Thank you!  Spin Doggle!"


Matthew Stafford.  Talk about, whether it´s a player of the week decade.  Of course, what else..."Oh this?  No, it´s not my Hooters T-shirt."


Kellen Moore.  Fourth in the Heisman.  Winningest QB in FBS history, 50-3.  Make fun of him in general, he can take it.  Boise´s got loads of pride..."Idaho Spudnicks.  Abra Zabranksy."


Thaddeus Lewis.  If you can discover the sore spot, this will sell your whole evening.  Guy has the sweetest spiral, Ohio has seen in a decade.  Beat the Steelers by accident, in December!  This guy from Duke is not a fluke.  Fourth string is a joke!  Shaun Hill must go!..."Anti Christ shopping".


Runningbacks.  Reggie Bush, claim the Downtown Athletic Club wants the Heisman back.  Mikel Leshoure, last year´s MVP.  Recovered from a torn achilles tendon, he single handedly established the rushing game, in their statistical aggregate, and thus the play book, with a 16 carry a game average, with scampers not exceeding 16 yards.  A pleasant surprise, Joique Bell, the Harlon Hill Trophy winner, awarded to Division II´s best football player, accounted for 414 yards on the ground and 485 through the air.  Ask him how many Yugos you can buy for 630.000$, his salary for this year.  Shawn Chapas, Chap Ass.  Theo Riddick.  Rid Dick.  Let us know when you find day light on Pitch Black..."I tried your Colgate tooth paste, and it made me feel like shit!"


Wide Receiver.  Calvin Johnson.  Santo Subito!  Nate Burleson.  Who?  #2 receiver, Bernie!  On the fourth year of his 5 year, 25 million $ contract.  Recipient of the prestigious "Good Guy Award" for sucking up to the Detroit media.  That´s hilarious, and also make fun of his self styled Transformers nickname, the Recepticon.  Sounds like a trash receptacle that refuses trash.  Not bad for a receiver name, swallow trash talk.  Talk about his impeccable sense of fashion.  The guy actually has a fashion label, it´s called Lion Blood, be a good a sport, and give his web site a gander:  Ryan Broyles.  This Sooner and double All American, is the record holder for most college career receptions.  How the hell do you become Lions Rookie of the Year 2012, starting just 3 games for 22 catches and 310 yards?  Maybe by being best buddies with the world famous Detroit Sports Broadcasters Association.  Mike Thomas.  The second acquisition from the Jaguars, following Kassim Osgood.  Flashed 4.3 speed at the combine in 2009.  Has averaged between 400 and 800 yards.  All in all, their lack of depth here is mystifying, considering they have a QB, that can toss for 5000 yards, just goofing around.  Bernie, spin a conspiracy to limit Matthew Stafford, that was a mighty huge contract, for a long time..."and in the 1st round, the Cleveland Browns draft A.J. McCarron!"

Tight End.  Maybe the depth here is the answer.  Brandon Pettigrew, the smooth basketball forward sized TE, is actually their possession receiver, he can really box them out.  Tony Scheffler has incredible ball skills, he is a natural ball snatcher, he could do it standing on his head, catch it with his feet, or you know circus.  Add a legit UCLA guy, for a change, Joseph Fauria.  Yes, of the famed football family Fauria..."Ryan Mallett.  Ka-Ching!"


O-line.  Center Dominic Raiola.  No, he doesn´t own a record label, but the Lions´starting Center spot, since 2001.  I think he´s undersized, at 6 footish and even the 295 lbs seems debatable, but he´s from Nebraska!  He did win the Rimington Trophy in 2000 though.  Don´t know, just say, a tiny Center dating back to the 90s.  OG Dylan Gandy?! Hello, what happened to Larry Warford, best pulling Guard in the draft.  Bernie, no joke, can you explain, how he slipped to the Lions in the 3rd round?  OG Rob Sims.  Don´t you think it would have been wiser to hang onto Stephen Peterman?  I know Offensive Linemen are funny.  Maybe something about food.  OT Riley Reiff.  Funny, can´t muster any humor.  Talk about talent, which is so hard to spot with these big guys.  This player from Iowa, has "it".  OT Jason Fox.  They´re praying to more gods than just God, I think, for this Miami Tackle to stay healthy.  The basketball center sized Backus and Cherilus are gone..."Callin´ Collin Klein!  Print money!"



Jason Jones.  In one sentence.  What kind of team, makes sure, a player´s wiki, still includes "...was name the recipient of the Harold E. Sponberg Award as the team´s top down lineman scholar-athlete.", just so you mention the Eastern Michigan Eagles?  From the Titans originally, I guess he made full use of the loss of Cliff Avirl at DE, notching a 3 year contract, following just one year with the Seattle Seahawks.  It also means, in house project, Willie Young didn´t get the starting position.  Is Jason Jones an anachronism?..."Down Town Los Angeles, baby!"


Nick Fairley.  Fairley good Nose Guard/Defensive Tackle from Auburn.  Comes with a Lombardi Award (2010) and a National Championship (2010).  Won the "Keep out of jail card" in Monopoly..."Happy Hippies"


Ndamokung Suh.  Shuh is a good Nose Tackle.  Likes the car token, good thing you can´t crash into stuff in Monopoly..."Kathy Ireland"

Ziggy Ansah.  Freaky tall DE out of BYU.  Is from Africa.  Bernie, be honest.  Mingo or Ansah?..."Well, that´s like only your opinion, man"


OLB.  Bernie.  Ashlee Palmer or Tahir Whitehead?  Work in a story about Matt Millen..."It´s like Lennon said..."


MLB.  What can you say.  Stephen Tulloch.  Ultimate MLB.  VanDenBosch is gone.  But, what´s with the Titans pipeline?  Bernie could you arrange it, so former Brown, Adrian Moten, got traded straight across for Travis Lewis?  Concoct an elaborate lie, that Travis Lewis will be shipped to the Browns.  Not because Mooncamping desires him, but because we got him for Moten..."Ernie Sims.!"

OLB.  DeAndre Levy.  Colorado LB.  Caused the Ernie Sims trade, because he was better at picking up blocks.  Chiefs 1st rounder, Cory Greenwood, challenging.  Brandon Hepburn, not bad, big LB..."Big Frowny!"

Big LBs.  What do you think?  What are the chances for a big LB set, combining Ashlee Palmer, Tahir Whitehead and Brandon Hepburn.  They do look like a set.  Tulloch on a 5 year contract since 2012..."Detroit Cock City"

CB.  Chris Houston and Martin Mayhew´s identification object of the season, Bentley or Slay.  Remember that scene in Rocky, where Stallone starts punching that bag, while watching his protege beat the pulp out of a guy on TV?..."Gladden Pen"

Chris Houston.  How good is the stalwart from Arkansas?..."Pimpenstein Castle"


Bill Bentley, 3rd rounder 2012, from Lafayette, or Darius Slay, 2nd rounder 2013,  from Mississippi State, were drafted, intentioning to start them opposite Houston?  Realize, that Martin Mayhew has to be heavily invested with his opinion, as a former NFL CB.  Are they really good?..."Buy Toyota!"

Ron Bartell.  Is pencilled in as the other starter however.  A 2nd rounder out of Howard, by the Rams in 2005.  6 foot 1 and 4.37 speed..."Burn!  Miami Real Estate.  Burn!"

Sleepers?  6 foot 2 Chris Greenwood, out of little Albion.  4.32 speed, and isn´t just a track product, can play football.  Way back in the depth chart, but signed in January, 6 foot 1 Conroy Black, ran a 4.2 40 at the Pro Day at Utah..."Vodka and Valium, Breakfast of Champions!"

SS.  Glover Quin.  Like Brian Urlacher, way back when, from the New Mexico Lobos.  A Houston Texans product..."The Boz was awesome!"

FS.  Louis Delmas.  Bernie.  Guy is popular in Detroit.  Spirited player.  But, was a reach for the Lions with the 2nd round endorsement, in 2009.  Does every Lions risk, end up being redeemed?..."Braaaaaiiinnzzzzz!"