On if Barkevious Mingo took a helmet to the ribs:
"Keke Mingo appears to have taken a hit to the ribs playing special teams. We'd love to package all of our premium players in bubble wrap until week one, but the reality is that these guys need to make an impact on the team and prove they belong, as well as get valuable mental reps. Am I furious that one of my best players on defense will essentially miss the rest of the preseason? Of course not. Will I play guys like him on special teams again in the future? You betcha. I'd love to field the 12 crappiest players I have at my disposal every time on specials, but that's not how it works so you live with this kind of situation"
On what the team’s running back situation is and if they will put Dion Lewis on the IR:
"See, the way a depth chart works is that when you lose a player from it, you can easily determine who will be the next running back by scanning the list and looking at who is below it. <quickly scans list> Oh, it's Brandon Jackson and the Mayonnaise kid. I'm not going to get too fired up about a guy who will probably only play 5-8 snaps on offense and return kicks that go out of bounds 90% of the time now. Brandon Jackson was born for the 3rd down back role, and Norv is already planning on riding Richardson like a rental mule."
On injuries overshadowing a good on-field performance:
"Well, you're the Cleveland media, so I was confident you'd find a way to make me depressed about handing Detroit their asses 15 minutes ago. Injuries happen to every team, every preseason. We'll deal with those, so lets get back to talking about my faux quarterback controversy and sneaky awesome front seven."
On if the Lions had more of a defensive scheme against them than the Rams:
"If by "scheme" they sent Suh out there to injure as many players as possible, then yes, they were scheming all day . If you mean disguising coverages and anything resembling an actual NFL defense, then no, they still halfassed it."
On having to sign a running back or offensive guard:
"I think tomorrow I will check the classifieds and craigslist to try to pick up a good used guard at a reasonable price. What's the going rate on something better than Oneil Cousins these days? Same as an ugly couch with a slipcover??"
On if Bogotay was hurt on his last kickoff attempt:
"Which crappy kicker is that one? The young one? When does Carpenter get here?."
On if he liked what he saw from Bogotay up until his injury
"I love that he's not Shayne Graham. Also nice to see him outkick those two fans that decided what the squads were having for dinner, so he has that going......which is nice."
On Brandon Weeden having a good performance for the second straight preseason game:
"Guys, both of our QB's looked great tonight, which really highlights the competi.....i'm sorry, i'm totally kidding. Weeden crushed his enemies, saw them driven before him, and heard the lamentations of their women. There's literally nothing more he could do right now to earn his job. Kind of weird seeing competent QB play right now, even in the preseason. Have to rub my eyes a few times to make sure I wasn't imagining it"
On the developing chemistry between Weeden and Jordan Cameron:
"So hot right now. Remember how we were crapping all over Jordan Cameron the last few weeks for being horrible in practice? Gotcha."
On if the Lions’ front seven presented a better test for Weeden:
"It couldn't have been worse than the Rams front seven. That front line for Detroit is scary good, but.....so is our offensive line. Even Joe Thomas got whipped on a play or two last night, but you can't stop the BRANDON WEEDEN EXPRESS <makes choo choo noise>""
On Trent Richardson’s night and how his health is after his first preseason action tonight:
"He played 10 snaps and didn't get hurt, so now he's back in the bubble wrap"
On the starting defense’s performance tonight and overall this preseason:
"They've given up 3 points in 2 games. I'm at about half-mast right now watching the way the defense is playing. Still, preseason...."
On if he was worried after Ndamukong Suh laid a big hit on Richardson:
"I would like to lay a big hit on Ndamukong Suh with my Buick, in the parking lot. Dirty player, dirty play....and he continues to get away with it. Really weird how he led with his helmet and went high on Trent! Wait.....no it wasn't. [Redacted] Suh.""
On if Taylor’s play can be contagious among the other defensive linemen:
"I'd like our D-lineman play be as contagious as the mid-2000's staph infection in berea. Heyo, Jurevicious joke! <slaps five with reporter> "
That concludes our "honest" presser.....please check out the real press conference, here.