Dear Jimmy & Dee Haslam,
Thank you for finally realizing what we Cleveland fans have known for the last two years: The Browns have the worst uniforms in the NFL. And it isn’t even close.
We get it. Being an NFL owner doesn’t come with an instructions manual. You wanted to put your own personal touch on the Browns’ look and Alec Scheiner led you astray with the “new” logo and uniforms before the 2016 season.
But this American carnage stops right here and right now.
“BROWNS” on the sides of the pants. The shoulder stripes from hell. The fugly drop shadow on the numbers. The silly “Cleveland” on the jerseys. That brown facemask. It all has to go.
Speaking on behalf of Browns fans everywhere, please do the following three things to correct this colossal blunder.
#1: Go back to the “Kardiac Kids” uniforms in 2020
As soon as NFL rules permit it, toss the current uniforms in a raging dumpster fire and go back to the “Kardiac Kids” look that has a soft spot in Cleveland’s heart.
If you haven’t noticed, Cleveland is big on tradition and you can never go wrong with retro (well, unless you're the Steelers). And 2020 will just-so-happen to be the 40th anniversary of that legendary 1980 team.
Not only was it the Browns’ fashion peak, Cleveland fans actually associate those uniforms with winning.
Start with the helmet most Browns fans grew up loving. It had a white facemask that blended in with the helmet, not a clashing grey or brown.
Then make the orange pants permanent. The white pants are boring and the brown ones just don’t work, no matter how hard you try.
Finally, wear brown jerseys at home, white on the road and never speak of the orange tops again.
It’s that simple. Really.
#2: Wear throwbacks at home twice per season like the Dolphins
The NFL allows each team to wear alternate uniforms twice per season. Take advantage of that by reintroducing the “Kardiac Kids” uniforms biannually on designated home dates.
Throwback uniforms are a great way to start the healing process after destroying classic uniforms. Ask Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, who has the Dolphins regularly wear throwbacks after butchering the team’s look in 2013.
I know what you’re thinking: “We can’t wear the ‘Kardiac Kids’ helmets because of the NFL’s one-shell rule.”
That’s incorrect. The NFL only allows you to wear one helmet per season, but the Browns can swap out the brown facemask for a white one without violating the rule.
#3: Bring back “Brownie the Elf” as the primary logo
The Browns are the only team in the NFL whose primary logo is the team’s helmet.
It’s boring. It’s amateurish. It’s embarrassing.
And no, the “new” orange doesn’t make a difference.
Officially back “Brownie the Elf” as the primary logo in 2020 as well. Cleveland fans love the logo’s uniqueness and quirkiness.
Just look at the amount of Brownie merchandise you move despite the fact it hasn’t been the team’s primary logo in almost 50 years.
But the best reason to bring Brownie back? Art Modell hated it. That’s reason enough alone to put Brownie back where he belongs: At midfield and in our hearts.
I know it’s painful to publicly admit you made such a big mistake.
But you already admitted to running the team poorly last year by nuking the organization. Fifteen months later, the future looks bright with a young roster and a boatload of draft picks.
Now it’s time to phase out the uniforms we’ll always associate with Johnny Manziel, a 1-15 season and an endless supply of ridicule.
Jim Weber is a freelancer writer for various publications, including Awful Announcing and Athlon Sports. You can follow him on Twitter at @JimMWeber.